Friday, February 13, 2009

Pre Valentine's Day

I have been in a funk. This is the week of LOVE and I have not been feeling it. I love reading blogs and seeing all the cute things people do for their families and the adaorable decorations that go along with this holiday. I used to have decorations for this time of year. I love to decorate for the holidays. I don't have any. I found the heart cookie cutters and Megan has taken them to the floor of her closet. They probably won't get used to make cookies. I have been racking my tired, groggy brain as to what to do for my love this year. I got nothin'! He has been working late for weeks. We're talking getting home between 10 and 12. I have been a tax widow for 15 years now, but some weeks are still harder than others. Last night as he called to check in at 8:30, he was really trying to connect so he asked me how my day was going and what did I do. For some reason I was so annoyed. I don't want to tell you about doing the laundry. I just don't. Who cares. If push came to shove, my family would wear dirty clothes and not care. Many mornings I have found the hampers dumped out as people searched for what they wanted to wear. I am getting off track.

So, today I thought I am finally going to clean my room. This will be my gift to Orson. He will be able to walk in the dark without saying "OUCH!" I should have taken a before picture, but I didn't want it documented. I'll post after pictures later. Anyway, as I took a break, I was reading Kimba's blog and last year she had a great post that resonated with me. Here are a few scriptures to show you where I'm going with this:

Proverbs 21:9 - Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.

Then this one...Proverbs 21:19 - Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.

And my personal favorite...Proverbs 27:15 - A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day.

Okay, my only solace is that I am not alone in this. I am not the only one who struggles at the end of a crazy day to smile and greet the man they love with a hug and kiss. However, this year for Valentine's Day, I would like to give my husband a gift he has never gotten before. A non-grouchy wife. I have got to change my mood. I can no longer resent the fact that I have to set the tone of our house. Orson is just so much better at being happy than me. It's who he is and how he came. I am starting to regret this rant, but I don't want people to think after they read my braggy Christmas letter, that life is perfect for me. We learn and grow closer to one another by opening up about our struggles and fears. I am not looking for pity here, either. I just love my family so much and wonder why it is so hard for me to express that.

I really appreciate all the kind words that are left for me in the comments. I love every one of you who takes the time to read this. I have great friends. Look for a much more uplifting post tomorrow.


Michelle said...

Girl! Don't let anyone in this world tell you they have never experience this same funk. REgardless of the mood( and I see you in a great mood more often than not!)- I think you are a pretty amazing woman. Your

Miller Family said...

Hey! We're all striving to do better. That's what this life is all about. (though it's not always fun) Love you lots, J

Amy said...

I think your are pretty dang amazing Barbie. Everyone has times like this. This year I haven't done really anything. Rob had his tonsils out and he's disconnected anyway. My boys really don't get in to it.SO I'm not doing anything. I did go get then personalized cookies.BOUGHT NOT BAKED. Can we say LAZY. Your awesome and you are one of the most positive people I know. Love YA!

Gail said...

Everyone feels the same over one thing or another. We are all our own worst critic and compare our "Saturday worst" to everyone else's "Sunday best". I have often been accused of having the perfect life and I NEVER tried to give that impression. In fact I feel like I should exist only to make others feel better because of all of my shortcomings. I don't know if you remember this, but years ago when I was serving as Enrichment counselor in Lazona, we had a Super Saturday that about killed me! I had to conduct the next day and I remember saying that my house looked like D.I. after an earthquake:). Joyzelle Curtis didn't believe me so I dared her to come over after church. She actually came and saw that I had spoken the truth and gave me the biggest hug because it made her feel better.
Our feelings often stem from our perspective and I bet Orson's perspective is he loves you just the way you are! I know I do:).
PS. I just posted something along these same lines, for a different reason, that might make you feel better:). I hope so... Love You!!!

Suz said...

To the lovely Barbarello... I love you more for posting this! It makes me feel "real". If anyone dare admit that they have never been in this "funk" they are a lier! Seriously... why would Heavenly Father let one person learn and not another? He lets all of us learn... It makes us more like Him if we know. Thank you Eve! So... go about your business and feel better knowing that you are among HAWSOME folks like Michelle (Wow) and Judy (Wow) and Amy (Wow) and Gail (wow) and me (double Wow! hahaha) and everyone else who reads you blog and finds peace from knowing that tomorrow will come and there are better days ahead... and we can make it. Eat some chocolate! You are one of my favorite people... and no matter what you tell me, you will never convice me that you are something less than AMAZING! I've never known another to endure and serve like you. It's quite inspirational. I LOVE Ms. Barbie...

The Cluffs said...

Man, can I relate to your feelings!! It seems like it is so easy for us to get in these funks - belief me, I am an expert. We just have to remember the source of those feelings and try not to wallow for too long... You do great things so keep your chin up and remember this too shall pass!!

Cristin@Serendipity said...

The good thing is that you are aware of how you are feeling, and you want to do something different, or change it...the sad thing would be if you didn't care, or didn't even think there was a problem... :)

Orson is a lucky guy to have you, and your personalities compliment each other! Tax time stinks!

All your sweet comments should let you know you are amazing, loved, and not alone in your feelings!

I love Kimba's blog too...she is very inspiring...

Laundry...ugh, I feel your pain!

Maybe we could rewind the clock and just hang out after school at Jordan Ridge and chat?!
Hmm...on second thought, no, I think we are both in a much better place right now! :) You are wonderful!

Tiffany said...

I understand what you mean by funk, and rooms and laundry ( I think I will always be in a laundry funk) Anyway I love your blog and I have some good news that might put you in better spirits you have won my giveaway! YEAH! So if you can email me with your details that would be great! Thank you so much for entering and I can't wait to hear from you!